you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
