so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
