I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
