Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
