I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
