look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize
