oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Randomize