So how Liz Lemon is this? I bring a boy home, we get in bed, and I realize there's a lean pocket wrapper in the sheets.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
You're a waste of cheezeits
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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