Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
