hell yes lets make some ravioli
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
