everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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