Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
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