I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
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