i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
Randomize
