Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Randomize
