Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I know he is still a student. I am not asking if his being an underwear model makes it more ethical, just less prosocutable.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
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