Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
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