she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
You ruined the universe
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Randomize
