He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Randomize
