I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
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