Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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