I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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