It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
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