just come out here and I will go home with you...
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
When are your genitals available?
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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