One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
