I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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