My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
