I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
