You're so nebulous sometimes
come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
Randomize
