Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
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