every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize