I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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