did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize