you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Randomize
