im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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