I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Randomize
