A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Randomize
