My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
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