my phone needs a breathalizer
That's when you crack a 10am beer
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
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