I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
