she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
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