OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Randomize