i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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