So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
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