I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
