He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
