My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Randomize