Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Randomize
