just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Randomize
