just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
