You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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