can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize