We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Randomize
